Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Epic story my Friend JV

I would like to share the Epic story my Friend wrote about me.

All I wrote on my facebook was “Back to Paleo” (Paleo is my cavewomen diet that I’ve been on and lost 10lbs along with crossfit)

And here is his epic comment, Please read!

Before breakfast she wakes up 10 minutes early to make sure her knives are sharp. As she walks out the door she grabs her 4x6 3" wide club made from Mammoth bones. Out in the wild she looks for anything edible, picking up leafy greens here and there. Sometimes she spots her prey, whether it's a cow, chicken, or pig. But as soon as she sees it she turns on Ninja mode and quietly creeps up to the victim. POW, one clean jerk to the noggin and she snatches her breakfast. Oh if it's a chicken she steals its eggs and says to herself, are these Omega3 fortified?

After breakfast is settled, she proceeds to work to go about her day. Sometimes she hears this weird grumbling and its often her stomach saying to feed me. Missy understands that paleo people are grazers, and often eat every two to three hours. So since she's a smart cookie, she avoids the sugars because all they do is tell your brain "I need that crack.. gimme dat" ... and she grabs some seeds or nuts to snack on instead until her next meal. Sometimes, if she's been good and the paleo gods are smiling, she will have some fruit she picks up along the way while she's hunting.

Lunch finally comes around and Missy thinks to herself, NOM NOM. Me go food food. So the paleo person that she is, she grabs her BPA free Tupperware container filled with all sorts of green stuff. She gleefully munches on lettuce heads and broccoli and spinach and carrots and cauliflower. She also remembers to get some protein in so she packed her lunch with 5 pounds of bison that she killed the day before. But, she also remembers to get her fats in so she makes a little avocado spread to go with her bison.

crap.... phone .... brb


Now the time between lunch and dinner is usually the most hectic. Depending on when she gets a chance to eat lunch, Missy will again have something to snack on. She looks through her Louis Vuitton bag, which she had Louis make from the animal skins she's collected from her prey, and she can't find anything. She freaks, "like OMG, what am I going to do? I forgot to pack more NOM NOMs!" ... Missy collects herself and immediately goes on the hunt. She goes to her coworkers and asks, "You haz NOM NOMs?" ... They look at her and think, "Bitches be crazy yo" but politely reply, "I have a Boston Creme Donut." Immediately Missy's eyes glisten, her mouth salivates, the cravings kick in, and her brain starts pulsing with the words "CRACK, CRACK, CRACK, CRACK IS GOOD MMMMKAY."

Missy's Crossfit senses kick in and all of a sudden she hears the voice of William Shockley telling her, "If you eat that I will make you do 100 Burpees." She thinks to herself, "If I haz dat, I just do burpees. Burpees make it all better. NOM NOM it's just one donut. I can haz just one." Then, like a voice from the sky, Coach Shockley once again says to her, "Listen Bitch, if you eat that you will set yourself back a week and I'll make you clean the toilets at the Box." Missy looks at her coworker with disdain and replies, "Thanks, but I no can haz." She goes back into Ninja prowl mode and looks for something a bit more friendly.

Missy steps outside and spots an oasis, "Oh look, a Bodega. They haz NOM NOMs." Poof she makes a mad dash toward the store running in perfect Pose Method and crashes through the door. Carefully, and oh so meticulously, she looks about searching for something paleo friendly. "Crap!" she screams. The store owner looks at her and says "Can I help you?" Missy replies, "I need NOM NOM. Gimme NUTS!" The owner blurts out, "What? You want deez Nuts?" ... Missy's eyes turn red, she grabs her trusty Mammoth Club and bonks him on the head and says to him, " Don't be such a caveman." After the store owner gets up off the floor, Missy spots a bag of Pork Rinds. "OHHH NOM NOM. PORK RINDS ARE GOOD." But she doesn't forget, this is America, land of fake food and processed goods.

Missy looks at the ingredients label, she reads aloud, "Mah-no-So-dee-umm-Gloo-tah-mate. Cooked in Canola Oil." She quickly remembers from her Paleo seminar lessons to avoid eating foods cooked in Canola oil. So she begins crying, "Is there nothing in this damn country that's safe to eat. OH NOM NOM, stomach HURT!" Unfortunately for Missy, the stupid company who produces the pork rinds took a perfectly good food and turned it into poison. She says to herself, "Like Oh-Em-Gee, So Typical."

What is she to do? Missy leaves the store and spots a fruit stand. She grabs some blueberries and raspberries and strawberries and snozberries. "Snozberries?!?" ... "Haha, throwback, childhood moment." So like Charlie in the Chocolate factory she skips merrily along the way back to the office. Missy is a smart ninja, as soon as she gets back to her desk she hops on her computer and checks her email. She discovers her boss needs her to finish a report by the end of the day and she looks at the clock, 3:00pm. "W T F!" she screams then there's suddenly a chime from her phone. "Oh Facebook alert! Must check mah messages. Yay." Missy minimizes the email from her boss and brings up Facebook.com. "Ah crap, just that guy JV writing nonsense again, like Whatevs."

She brings up Google.com and types in, "Paleo NOM NOM Snack." Must plan for future she thinks. The search results come back and she finds Steves Original Paleo Kits. "OHHHHHHH!!!" Missy looks at her screen with wonder. "I never go without NOM NOM again! Yay!" One, two, three clicks, Add to Cart, Add to Cart, Add to cart. Missy goes to the checkout screen, "5000 DOLLARS!!!! Iz Joo Seriuz? Why shit so expensive!?!? My Louis Vuitton is cheaper than dis." Good thing Missy is crafty, "Dem Idiotas, they put ingredient list on website. haha. Screw you Jobu, I do dis myself." They're just made of nuts, dried fruit, and grass fed beef in a vacuum sealed bag."Ok, this weekend, I go go Trader Joe Joe and we make Paleo Nom Nom Snack YAY. Oh well, must do this report for my boss. pendeja."

While beginning to type her report, a strange sensation overtakes her. She looks around, nothing. Types a few more words then POW. As if the earth falls from underneath her and the gravitational pull begins tugging at her rear. "Uh oh." Yes, it's that time of the day. Every human's duty to go doodee. Missy proceeds to the bathroom and slams the stall open. With perfect back squat form, she maintains a neutral head, chest up, back tight, "Ploop." She turns around, "Oh what the hell?!? That's it? Oh that's right, I'm ok." Paleo people often eat foods that the body completely uses. So there isn't all that extra poop from all the processed additives found in the unhealthy Nom Noms.

Missy returns to her desk to finish her report. "Stupid report, what's today's WOD? She brings up Crossfitact.com to see what the workout of the day is. "FRAN!?!? I'mma make her my bitch." A coworker gets up from her desk, "You're going to do what to me?" Missy replies, "Ah snap girlfriend, relax. It's just the name of a workout I have to do later. You already mah biznatch, mah homeslice. Take it easy easy don't get all C-breezy." Her coworker replies, "Oh you're talking about that cult you belong to. Missy retorts, "Fo Sho! Don't worry, I'mma get you to drink da koolaid too. See deez Abs, I be poppin GHDs like they candy." Her coworker looks at her with half baked eyes, "Omg I didn't know you do steroids." "Nah uh girl, G H Deez. It's an Ab workout. But you have to do them properly or else you start pissin blood.

Her coworker turns around, "ohhh K" and abruptly hides behind her desk. Missy gathers up her things and heads for her car. She doesn't want to be late to the gym. Coach Shockley will make her do burpees if she's late. 3 2 1 go the workout begins. Immediately Missy thinks, "Fmylife, screw you world. Damn this shit. What's for dinner? hmmm. Ah crap, time to move onto pullups. 1 pullup, 2, 3, 15. Damn I'm good. Maybe i'll have some chicken. Oh well. Crap is Coach looking? Crap this sucks. Stupid Fran."

The workout is over, Missy is laying on the floor. Her fellow Crossfitters walk over to her to congratulate her. "Good Job Missy!" "Bad Ass Missy" She says to them, "Thanks guys, good job too!." In her mind she's saying, "Fuck this shit, I wanna puke." She quietly collects herself and grabs her belongings. "Bye everyone!" Everyone yells, "Bye Missy" She turns around and gives them a smile, her stomach grumbles and she thinks, "Damn I want that Boston Creme Donut"

As soon as she returns home, Missy sharpens her knives and wipes the blood off her Mammoth Club. It's time to hunt for dinner. She goes outside and looks around. Nothing but quiet, dead Winter air. "Que Frio" .... "Screw this!" Missy grabs her car keys and speeds to Stop and Shop. Once she arrives she pulls out her notebook, she reads, "Paleo Survival Guide for the American Supermaket." Several lines below it says, Stick to the outside aisles, Anything in the middle is processed. If you can't pronounce what it says on the ingredients label, THAT SHIT AIN'T FOOD.

Missy looks around, "well I ate a buffalo this morning, maybe I'll have some fish. Can't go wrong with fish." She walks to the seafood section and she spots salmon. "Oh Nom Nom, I go make Grill Salmon." She looks at her choices, "Heh, ummm." Farm Raised Salmon, 3 dollars per ound. Wild Caught Salmon, 5 dollars per pound. Missy yells, "Damn America, why is it more expensive to eat healthy." Reluctantly she places 10 pounds of Wild Caught Salmon in her cart. "Oh well, I be goin to da Carribean, Baller!!! I ain't puttin none of that hormone injected farm raised crap in deez Abs"

‎20 minutes later, Missy is home. She's slaving over the stove. She grabs the coconut oil to cook the Salmon in, throws in some Garlic and fresh cut lemon slices. She pulls some asparagus out of the fridge and Sautees it with the salmon. "Rachel Ray ain't got shit on me bitches." Missy salsas around the kitchen singing about her cooking skills. Poof dinner is ready. 10 pounds of salmon, sitting on her plate, Missy drinks it down. She sits in front of her now empty plate, thinking, "I did good today. Paleo is easy....." She looks around, stares at her plate, taps her foot, an urge overcomes her. DESSERT. Zombie status engaged, DESSERT DESSERT DESSERT.

Suddenly, as if magicall, the fridge door opens, she pulls out a plate of Flan. "Wait, Dairy and Sugar. I can't do this. All that blood sweat and tears after doing Fran ... all for nothing." Coach Shockley's voice echos in her head, "Throw that poison out, is you Stupid?" Suddenly she thinks to herself, "Hold up, I'm only 80% paleo. Haha I win." She grabs the closest spoon and devours the flan. Immediately she is filled with regret, but yet she thinks to herself damn that was good. She throws her dishes into the washer and looks at the clock. Time for bed, must sleep so she can do it all over again tomorrow. She goes to her room, pulls back the sheets, quietly says a prayer asking the paleo gods for a pig to kill in the morning so she can have bacon. She lays her head down and blows a kiss to her coach William Shockley action figure, Good Night coach.

The End

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